There used to be a period of time. I have changed a lot. While I am free I listen to the classical music from Bethoven or the Mozart. And every day I do not want the TV shows. Instead I would like to read some history books and wacth some record movies about the true story. I treat the movie as one kind waste of the life. What I really care is making more money from my works.Because of one girl give up hope on me. It is not about the love. It is just we start to date each other. She even is not my girlfriend. She said she want some one can match with her. That means I get one low salary job and she look down upon me. And I feel sad for that but I do not have any excuse. The fault is all by myself. I do not graduate from the university and I have to work at this poor place.  Even if I work hardest there are very few benefits for me. So that is when I have changed.But that status do not last long. I have become back after several months she have gone.

I quit the job. Because I think I can get better. But the god have played a great joke on me. I haven't found a job for one year. Every day I tear my tired body around this city. I even found that there is no place for me to live. The darkest days in my memory. I am afraid of that would come again. My memory and my heart. All the nerve inside me. I am as sensitive as the child. I want to cry but as a man I can not do that coward thing. 

From today I would give up something. First it is about the clothing. I have bought too much clothing. And I should cut the cost. And put more energy on the work. I would make myself full filled with the job business. I have to go.

We are raised by the influence of the television this age. And it is normal that we even think we can be the premier of UK, the hero of one army, one superstar can make millions one night. And these dreams are filled in our childish heads in the kid time. But it is wonderful. Sometime when you think of the young time you would feel it is more fun than growing up. You can be happy for weeks because your mother have bought you a new toy. One lollipop can stop you being sad. One piece of paper and one pencil can make you have fun for one whole afternoon. You can talk with yourself for one hour. The fun we used to have all have gone as the age grown up. And now few things can make us have the fun. And most of the time we are working. Family things, work things, house things all kinds of trouble come to you do not allow you take a breath. I miss my childhood more since when I think of the young time fun. Time is always changing. And we are always changing. We never realize we have get through the most precious age. After losing that we finally found how precious it is. Human is just this kind complex animal. We have the most powerful brain on this planet. But we also have done many kinds of foolish things. We finally understand the most valuable thing is the memory. I would like live like a king. To make myself do not have anything disappionted in my memory.

Mother never know why I am angry. I never talk with any people. Anger is one bad emotion and also bad for health. But I am not satisfied with my life. 

I am always alone. Being like this for more than 5 years. Work like one person never know the weekend and holiday. But seems I have never get the life that I want. The plan is not as before. Father keep wasting the money. And finally he is sick. Mother keep working but do not have a high salary. Every year I plan to go back to that place. But every year I was trapped because all kinds of reasons. 

At that time we do not have a house. And then I have to buy myself one house. I do not have the money. I keep working hard to make myself the money. I do not have a car. I tried my best to store money to buy a car. All kinds of things, all kinds of dreams list in my life time. Now I am already nearly 30 years old. I am still living in this city I do not want to stay. How many times I have talked with the family I want to get back home. Never know why those people do not have the money can go back home without the honor. I want the life with the pride. But I can not tear the suffering poor life. All kinds of stress come into me. Make me feel angry. 

Future is not bright. I want some kinds of new life. But still can not see the hope.

The most selfish thought of the human is control. Control people's thought and make people obey the rules. Like the song from Lorde, Everybody want to rule the world. We want to enjoy the top right. And we believe we have made the right decision and count every word. Each day we are trying to climb up higher so that there would be more people under our control. I work alone and I have thousands of ideas in my head. But no one can help me to make it come true. And I have been thinking of the old time I work as one employee. At that time I wish I have eight arms and eight hands. I think the time is never enough. Every day even when I am feeling very tired I would still work till the late night. But now without the rules of the company seems I have become a lazy person. I listen to the music , I watch the film in the middle of the day. I play the toys in my work time. No people would would have a talk with me while I am wasting the work time. Seems the rule one basic chain can make you work harder. Because I have already lost my responsibility to my job. And now freedom have become one reason why I am so lazy. I am tired of my life style like this. I may have to make myself the rules. Punish myself while I have done something wrong. Live the life with the rule is one good thing to rule yourself. I finally understand why people need the rule to be ruled.

Even now I am still listening to the music. With the great sound outside of the winder. I am changing myself to someone I want to be. Time to be changed. It is really needed to be changed.

This question in my head for more than 3 years. Afer about 5 years work I finally get one house in my hometown about 95 square meters with two bedrooms. You never know how important it is for us to get one house.It is the basic item for wedding. If you do not have enough large house you even can not get a wife. And the people around you would laugh at you because you are just too poor. And the house is important for us. It is the icon for your success. And most of us are chasing this dream for years. And finally I have made it come true. But now things are complex because I have this question in my head. Leave or stay. First you would need to know I leave my hometown for really a long time. In this city I have very few friends because I am running my own business and I have no partner and I work all by myself. Parents live with me because they can not afford the rent for the house. So that I am still living wit the parents. I know it is good to stay with the family. But I think it is also one joke for most of us. Because as one adult still living with the parents. Any way the hardest part is the lonely life. You should know uif you do not have any friends to talk with for years. That would be really suffer. Something at your age you can not share with your parents. And you only have one bedroom as your space. And at the hometown it is different. I have my old classmates and I can stay with them. That is feeling much better. However I have to work in this city. I keep thinking of going home but that means I have to give up the business here I am living on. It is really hard for me to make a decision. And I want to do something to change. Seems every time I have to give up all hopes because I live on my business. Leave or stay in this city. That is a question.

Another rainny day today. The rain drops hit on the winter, the roof of the house every where create some kinds of noise make you hear it. However it have another function that is cool the weather in this summer. Mother have gone to work. And she have talked with me about the future. I want to go home so much. Every second in my head I wish I can go back to the hometown. But I should stop talking about it. Now what I have to do is listen to the rain. The thunder over the sky, the sounds hit on the ground. 

I love the dope chef shop because they all have one grand big black flag in front of their store. It is like one icon make you remind the street style. Never understand people always love something have the evil side. Including me I love Joker more than Batman in the comics. Seems Joker show the real side of the humanality. And Batman think he is the hero. But I doubt there is no kind person exsist. Just the dream of the writer. People all have the dark side. Because we are all by ourselves. We are selfish when we are born. We just try to hide it. But it is the truth.

But any way in such cool weather in this summer. It is great to listen to the rain.The soft wind outside the window. I have tried to touch it. 

Going home is really one big dream for me. And I keep dreaming for all these years. Someone I miss in the past, someone I truly want to stay with. I want to talk with someone. I want to make some friends. But how can I put down the stone cold mask on my face. I am such one soft person but I am afraid of get close to any one. I am start to enjoy live in my own space but it is making me feel lonely. I do not want to interrupt others life but now I want to have someone to talk with me. Watching the movie alone is one kind suffer and every second you have to make it useful for you.And now my 24 hours one day is full loaded. I can not waste my time any more. I must make my dreams come true in next one year. And then go back to hometown with the glory. This is my life I am chasing for. 

Future is not arranged by the god. We are our own god creating our own future. No matter how hard the way is you have to make yourself fight hard for it. Make all your dreams come true. And make everything you care available in your hands. 

Sometime I feel lost but I believe this time I would not lost any more. I have my direction and I am just chasing for the dreams.

Yesterday night I can not sleep in the night. Some scenes in the past show up in my head.It is like one memory that I can not forget. Even if you wish to but the memory is still in your head. You do not have a eraser.And every day you are living the memory would be one mark that you can not make it disappear. Sometime we have done many things that we feel very regret for that.Once you have made a choice and you have make it to one action it is not changeable. So before you doing all things you have to consider it more than twice. Imagine one day when you are too old to walk. You have to stay in the bed and think of the things you have done in the past. What would you do? Would you cry with the tears or smile with the sunshine on your face. Do not do anything that make you feel regret. Grab every chance and make every moment memoriable. This is our aim for whole life. Every day it is one busy day. Every day it is one mark in your memory. 

Yesteday till 5 o'clock I still can not sleep. Awake in the deep silent night make me recognize many things. Things I can not forget. I understand that life is one act of letting go. But the memory in my head make me want to live the life again. It is making me feel the rush in my head. I want to make everything change. Change everything back to the perfect style we love. That is what I am thinking.