Every time at this season, my eyes would feel pain. It is true because every year I have the diary and it is at the same month of the year. The weather is truning cold but if you like to you can still wear your t-shirt. I spend about 200 dollars to buy one leather jacket. But seems you can hardly find any time for wearing it. And everytime near the end of the year, you can feel lonely because the festival is coming. You would spend single time through the Christmas Eve, when every one saying Merry Christmas, you are still alone in this house. I have tried all kinds of means to make me feel better. I play the music loud, even the downstairs can hear my music playing. But it is just the music playing in this house. No one would care about one single man living upstairs. It is should be the most crazy days in my life. I am quite sure, because I finally find some ways to get away from this horrible life. But this life would end next year. 

Grandmother is sick in hospital now. And I do not have much connection with her. She used to look down upon me. The time while I was working those people never make me a telephone call. I have been living like a clown that everybody laugh at me. I feel sad but at that time it is only sad. I am just too weak to change the situation. Mother forced me to make her a telephone call but I have nothing to say. It is awkward silence on the line. She know me hate her and I know she do not like me. This is it. 

I wish I can reach higher. I wish I can gain my honor from those people who look down upon me.