This world is one black hole. We chasing fame, brand name and many things that do not have any connection with our basic life. Every day we work hard .We have thousands of things in our wish lists.We want this thing that thing and we have become the slave of it. And we never realize it. I have no right to laugh at these people because I am right the one among them. I want to own one nice car, one good camera than I am using and many things that I do not own yet. I set them on the bookmark lists in my computer.This is such one long list. I never know why I want these things so much. I think I am sick. But I can not be cured. 

Living is never easy for us. In the ancient world people are always fighting for living. The food, the clothing to keep warm, the house for living. They are just the basic needs for living. But now what we are chasing have changed so much. I am the one among you .I have tried my best to change. But failed. I am losing my way. And what about you?

Since the time of last year I have this kind wishes every day. I want to go back to the hometown. Do not know what I am missing but always want to go back there. Talking with the friends make me feel very excited. Seeing the river where I used to walk along to the school make me feel wonderful. The sunshine is filled with my memory. Every time looking through the window of the bus something soft come up in my mind. I miss the old time. 

Mother is still in that city. Being busy with my father's mess up things. She is always busy with the family even she is already retired and old. The time never wait for any one. I hope she is healthy and good. But things are always messsing up with our family. I can not focus on the business because it is about my single status. I think I have to find someone to stay with me. I have someone to go to the cinema. I want to have someone to talk about the life. I am tired of being alone but never get in touch with any one who would fit me. This is the life. I am keeping pushing myself to work every day. I have to make the dream come true first. And then I would get married with someone I love. That is the way of my life.

Today I am eating with the father. He is never a good father. He have done many horrible things make me can not respect him any more. And now he is disabled and he eat mine and spend my money.Today we are just eating some simple dishes for supper. But seems he never know behave a little better. Make me feel really sick today. He eat very fast and even eat one dishes all and never left anything for me. I feel mad for that but I feel shame to speak it out. Now the scene still show up in my head. I feel really sick of that. But he have already done that I can not forget any more.

My mother is one nice person. She have spent really a long time to pay back the debts that my family have owed. And she also raise me up and make me have one comfort place to live. Now she would spend all of her money on his retire account. Sometimes you feel she is just one person never know about the future. She have tried her best to raise this family. And she is trying her best. But the truth is never good enough.Now she is poor again.Do not have any money any more.

One crazy world almost make me feel crazy. One bad father is never enough.How can I face the future?

I just ordered the train tickets to the hometown. And it would be after 6 days.I do not know why I am still not feeling happy about this. I ordered many things preparing to go back home with the honor.However I also have sone kinds of panic inside my head.And I do not know if I am walking on the right way again. I feel something is twisted in my heart. It is not feeling good.

Facing the computer for more than 8 hours one day. Your eyes and your head would feel pain. But how can I spend the time. Many things trying to bother you. You feel mad and you have to face it. Every one trying to push to the edge. I just want to stay calm and silent but it is truly hard.

Any way this day would be gone again. And I am trying to bring my head to the normal status. But these people are always trying to make you feel mad. Never answer and never let you know the truth for your life. They are all crazy people. They do not deserve what they want. Greedy and always telling the lies. They should live in the hell after they die.And I am not a hater but if you have done something bad for me. I would make you feel the pain.

Today I get up at about half past nine. And the weather turns sunny. I like this kind weather because I can get out today. I have been in this building for so long. I can feel my legs need a long walk to make me feel alive. These days I keep doing the sports like nothing can stop me. I feel truly tired even yesterday night for half an hour work out I need to rest every minute. But finally I have made it. I feel so happy about it. I am proving myself if I work very hard I can make it done. And I can see the improvement of the body. The fat is becoming less than before. I know if I keep this one I can make the body look perfect. So never stop though there is one very long way to go.

Today mother would come back from her work place. Every week she would come back. I used to see one line on the internet. It is talking about the time you can stay with the parents. Every week you can see your mother.And every month you can see them 4 times. And for the whole year you can only see them 48 times. And sometime you are too busy to see them. So after grown up you also need to stay with your wife or the kids. So there are very few time that you can stay with the family. It is  a pity. Mother have done a lot in this family. Though she is not good at making the money. But at least she have tried her best to raise me up. I thank her. So I believe if one day they can not work. I would pay for the cost for their daily life. This is the basic thing I can do to pay back what they have done to raise me up.

Hope they are healthy and hope they can live the life better.

I am just one normal kid even though I am already more than 25 years old. The time runs so fast make me can not get ready for it.  When I was a kid I always cry for the toys. But seems mom know me very well. She just left me in front of the toy store and then she get away. I am afraid of being lost so I have to go with her. Cry with the tears all over the face and still running after mom. It should be very funny while others seeing me like that. I'm glad I was too young to remember the smiling face on the strangers. And I love the toys indeed. Even after grown up I still have the toy dream. And I have never seen so many good toys in the room.Almost as real as in the movie.And I like thr ironman, spiderman, american captain, the Raiden  and mand cool toys I have never heard. And I start to spend money on it. First I ordered 4 and I still can not stop. The toys seems one kind special icon for me. I love the cool figures. But I also be afraid of people thinking I am a little kid action. Too naive to play the toys. One grown man playing with the toys. I truly believe that look a little wired. But I just can not control to love it. 

I am planing to make one show box to list the figure with different action on  the desk. Well that is my planning after getting back home. I am trying to create my perfect life.And it would be one part of it.

Being young is not one bad thing. Though while I was still the student I always want to grow mature. And I am willing live in the adult world. Because it seems wonderful for me. 

After grown up I have found the adult world is not as wonderful as I think. We love the party , however things have changed a lot. In the young time we talk about the funny things that we hear and see. However now we talk about the work we hate, the business, how to make the money, the cars, the house and many things we want to own. It is like showing the others how successful we are. But we have forgotten we come here to find back the friendship. It is not about the money or any other things we do not need. It is not happy in the party. Because we have become as ugly as the adults' heart already. When you are poor , we look down upon you. When you get rich, we become friends. We are not making friends with the people. We are making friends with the money. And the money is cruel thing with the crazy smell. Though sometime it do have the magic to pay many things. But what human truly care is from the heart deep inside. We look forward the friendship do not have any purpose. We are having fun with you so we are your friends. That is the true friends. So I start to miss the old days as the students. We do not need to care too much.We are just making the true friends. 

We grown up.We get something we truly want with our own ability. However we also have lost something important to us.It is pure and beautiful. But these days I can not find it any more. I wonder why people all trying very hard to make themselves change. Change them to one ugly person we used to hate. We used to be the flyers.

Just one moment ago I seems lose the control for purchasing things online. I know I am a little crazy because I just can not control my desire to purchase things online. Once I found something I would like to try it on my body. Though I do not have a perfect body shape. And I am even planning to do something right for myself. But now I just click the button to make the payment. And then I feel regret for what I have done. These things are not really needed for me.I have bunch of t-shirts in my closet even too heavy for the closet. And I do not know why I purcahse more shirts from the internet. And it is like one disease. Even do not know how to cure this.And one second ago I made my decision to cancel the order. I reuqest the refund for the t-shirt. I have fight against this desire to shop online. I know I have to do something to fight against the demon inside me.

People are born with the basic need, need the food to keep us away from hunger. Need the clothing to keep away from the cold.Need the love to keep away from the sadness. And now I think people are growing greedy because we are falling into the kingdom made of gold.We need more things to raise our so called life quality .We have forgotten what we truly need for the life.We are trying to make our life to one extreme way.Things have changed a lot since we are a kid. We compare our lives with the other people. We are losing the dreams. We are all wrong.

I think it is the time for me to turn back from the wrong things. The first step is to control myself.